Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Stressed, and my attempt at dealing with it.

Sometimes I feel like since I moved out here to this great state of Maryland I lost any former knowledge I had (and my Dad will say it wasn't much.  LOL.) of dealing with and handling my stress.  Like it all went out the window.  For the first few months everything was carefree and good.  Then reality sunk in... I had to think of going back to school and how, getting a job that I'd like but would make me enough money, leaving Piston alone during the day and not feeling guilty when his big brown eyes turned and questioned "why" after he'd been locked away, making new friends that I trusted and cared for and felt like I'd known forever.  It's all hard work when you think about it.  Picking up and moving your life to a whole new place is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I've noticed increasingly more lately (especially after the big news of last week) that there are some things I just don't want to handle.  For example, I don't want to think of all the decisions that have to be made pre-Kuwait.  There are at least 6 months before Rob will be on the plane headed overseas, but you'd never believe all the stuff that has to be done before that happens.  I don't have a choice but to think about this stuff now.  When all I want to do is lock it away for at least a few more months and pretend like we never received that news.  I can't think of the way Piston is going to mope around the house when Rob doesn't come home that first day, second, a week later, a month later.  It's going to be so hard to watch me watch him. Let alone deal with my own emotions of what is about to happen.  It's funny how my furry animal is all I can think about.  I KNOW I can make it through it.  It is going to be hard and at times I am going to just break down, but the dog... all I can think about is the dog.  The connection him and Rob have.  It causes me so much stress.  How women (and men) do this (deployment) multiple times in their lives, I will probably never understand.  Before long I will be one of "them" though.  Those women I admire for putting on a face everyday and making life go on...

Anyway, I'm getting off topic of what my original post was to be about.  That was all just a tangent, please don't think I am emotionally losing my mind.

Back to stress-When I lived in Kansas I tried to handle it.  I will admit I wasn't the best.  I spent a lot of time being awfully mean to my parents who did nothing but love and care for me.  Usually I was just so busy I didn't have time to be stressed or to think about de-stressing.  So it caught up with me.  The same thing here.  I bottle so many of my emotions and in true fashion I pop.  The smallest most ridiculous thing can set me off too, and nobody understands.  How can they?  I mean I don't even understand.  I don't like to talk about things that make me unhappy.  I never have.  In the past I've worked in job positions I really hated, been in relationships that did not make me happy and gone to school for something I doubted all along.  My biggest fear is discussing what makes me unhappy.  What if the person just doesn't understand?  So I bottle those emotions, everything from how annoyed I get with my sisters items in the rocking chair even if we just cleaned the house that weekend, to the trash being piled up in the kitchen at our current house.  I bottle it all and at once I just pop.  So I guess you could say I don't handle stress.  Or maybe that is my way of handling it.  I'd like to think that writing in here makes me de-stress often.  I may not update anyone on important things but rather the mundane things, but at the end of the day I feel better.  Showers also help me de-stress.  I can go in extremely mad and emotional and come out from behind that shower curtain calm and relaxed ready to tackle life's challenges.  It's not the best way to handle stress, but I don't know any other way.  It works for me.  Although it frustrates others, I know, by making them feel shitty... I don't know how else to handle it and I've come to accept it.  Most people just learn not to take my jabs personally and to not react harshly when I can't handle the stress anymore.  But that's not right.

I'm going to change how I handle stress.  Not let things get to me.  Like right now how messy this house is.. is really bothering me.  But unless I clean it, I will never be happy.  So I guess that's something I just have to deal with until I decide to clean it.  My job in life is to not make other people feel bad.  It never was and never should be.  I need to build people up and have constructive conversations not destructive.

Now I'm just rambling, but I will change.  You watch.





***Sigh*** I need a shoulder massage.

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