Thursday, April 5, 2012

Pity party of one.

So, I have been feeling a bit emotional/stressed out/mental freakish lately.  I can't say that I can pin point it on one exact thing though.  I just feel overwhelmed, and I am not sure how to react/handle it.  At all.

It is not like I just had a baby.. or my husband just came home or is close to coming home from deployment.  It is not like I just started or quit a job.. it is not like I just got a new dog.. it is not like I lost someone really close to me, but yet I feel this huge emotional shift like something major just happened.

Maybe this is the downside to after R&R?

I mean lets face it.. I am Over (with a capital O) this deployment.  I am beyond ready to have my husband home, so I can quit being the third wheel with practically everyone.  So I can quit having to explain to Piston that the loud car pulling up is not his daddy, and that the beep of that person locking their car door does not mean his daddy is about to walk through the door.  So I can quit trying to figure out what the appropriate answer is when someone asks "how are you doing" and "how is your husband doing" (we aren't together.. so how good can either of us be?? I mean really..).. so I can quit getting frazzled when technology or appliances have a freak out moment.  So I can quit coming home to another mundane evening of watching TV alone on the couch (especially cause P doesn't like to cuddle until it is most inconvenient for me!) and so I can quit being the only one responsible for taking Piston outside... but most of all so that at times like this, at almost 2 in the morning, I can quit having a million thoughts run through my head (good, bad, otherwise) but rather relish in the fact that my husband is home.. --> over there, where he should be... I'm just ready for that.

Is that too much to ask?

Or maybe I am feeling this emotional shift because we finally got word on where the next step in our military life is going to take us.  There are a billion things to be done of course, and although it seems like FOREVER until Rob comes home, frankly it is really not too long.. and definitely not long enough to accomplish everything that needs done before this next step.  (Look for more detailed information early Summer.. sorry y'all going to have to keep it on the DL for just a bit longer.)

Or maybe it is because this web animation class at school is seriously trying to kill me.  First class in over 6 months at DeVry that I absolutely HATE.  It makes me really wish that I actually attended classes rather than just logging on three times a week... that's how bad it is.  I'm just ready for school to be over..

Or maybe certain family/friend situations at this current point in time are making me look in the mirror for gray hairs.  That is how much stress they give me and anxiety they cause me.  I have been told by my loving husband that I can't let them get to me that much.  If only it were that easy babe.. It is my natural instinct to take on other people's problems (maybe I missed my calling?) and offer solutions and advice.  If I spent HALF as much time worrying about all that as I do now, I'd be considerably less frazzled all the time.  Or at least I would assume.

Or maybe it is the three hampers of laundry and the dishes that just won't magically go away until I take care of them.  I haven't touched laundry since Rob left and now I've gotten myself into an unending hole I am sure.  Way to go Amanda.. I vow to NEVER let it get this messy again.. once I get it all taken care of again. Which will hopefully be soon because knowing that I have that much laundry and dishes waiting on me almost causes an ulcer.

At the end of the day, whatever the reason may be.. I have found myself contemplating crying more often than not lately.  Which is SO messed up.. I mean yeah Kansas basically skipped spring in freaking March of all times and it's hotter than it should be (except today..) which makes me mad, but it's not like it is rain and doom and gloom everyday.. so what gives universe?

But don't you worry about me.. as Kelly Clarkson has taught me.. "what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger.." and I have faith that the sun will shine in my head here soon enough.




P.S. I am absolutely NOT pregnant, kthanksbye.

Always,
Amanda


4 comments:

  1. I hate this kind of feeling... I felt it a lot when I was living half a world away from my husband. I hope things get better for you soon!

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  2. I seriously could be reading this about myself. I was a wreck after R&R and I didn't do laundry for at least a month. I'm so sorry. At some point it does start to speed up, but it just f-ing sucks until then. Lots of hugs and virtual wine. lol

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  3. Keep your head up chicka! I totally understand your feelings, I've had them a LOT lately too. I swear this part of the deployment is the WORST! I would love to say it gets better, but it kind of doesn't, you just start doing things again and trying to make time go faster. I swear I was just telling my mom this weekend how OVER this deployment I was. You're not alone. :) If you ever need to I can give you my number to chat or text or whatever. I don't sleep well so you can even text at 2 in the morning when your mind won't shut off! :) You'll get through this! I promise!!!! Remember we are one day closer to them being home!

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  4. Aw, Amanda :( I'm sorry you're not feeling like yourself. I mean, your husband is DEPLOYED, I think you are more than allowed to have a pity party and feel a little "off" every so often. Please text me whenever! I am almost ALWAYS up at 2am! That's usually when we're having a little milk party. ;)

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