I'm a people pleaser.

I guess you could say I've always been one. Maybe I'm just more in touch with that side of me at this point in my life.

I want my husband, dogs, family, friends, acquaintances to all be happy. To the point it causes me great anxiety.

I've let some important people down in the past. Rob before we were married. My family when I got married without them present or knowing. Again when I didn't tell them right away I was a Mrs. My friends when I could not always be there for them when they needed me the most. Or when my actions had a negative effect on their life.

This weighs on me like a serious burden. I'm only one person. It's extremely unrealistic for me to expect to always make everyone happy and yet I still try. Day in and day out.

Because of this failure, unacceptance and a lack of general support hurt me to the core.. I feel it emotionally and physically. It completely hinders me. But yet I can't get over it.

I care way to much what everyone thinks of me and the attitude they have towards me.

I sit in this house in Georgia. I belittle myself and beat myself up for letting other people down. Who gets to see it? Rob. He gets the responsibility of telling me I don't need acceptance from anyone as long as I'm content with my decisions and actions.  The responsibility of telling me he loves me and is there for me.  Has faith in me. Feels confident in our decisions.  That's not fair to him.

I don't know why I feel the need to please so many. I don't know why the acceptance and the support is needed so much. I don't know why it gets me so blue.

All I know is.  I need to focus on making decisions for me.  My husband. Our little family.  Being confident in our decisions.  Our life journeys.  Even if they aren't in the best interest of other important people in my life.

Especially since no matter what there is always that one person trying to rain on the parade.. that one person not content.

It's my life, and I want to live it how I want to live it.

Source.

P.S. If this is taken as a personal stab by anyone.. get out of here.  That's not the point of this post.  If you feel guilt though, then maybe you need to look at your expectations of people?  Otherwise it is a general reflection of what I view as a personal flaw in my life.

I'm a people pleaser. I guess you could say I've always been one. Maybe I'm just more in touch with that side of me at this po...

I'm not a parent.  I don't live in Connecticut.  I have no association with Newtown.  I didn't lose a family member.  But somehow, I feel so deeply affected by the tragedy that happened Friday morning.

Last night I lay awake as images that have been described on almost every news channel flashed through my mind.  Graphics and visuals that have been described.  Actual images of those reacting to the news.  The memorials and pictures of the school itself.  It's all too much for me to comprehend.

I'm not normally one to be so affected by what I hear on the news.  Sure, I cry at sad things.  I tear up with pride when a heroic story is described.  But for some reason my mind is sitting at Sandy Hook Elementary School no matter what I do.

I wonder how long we will hear about this in the news.  Hear about that one lost soul that destroyed so much so quickly.  Put names with the faces of the innocent victims.  Praise the heroics of those teachers that did what they are so gifted at doing.  Is it wrong to not want to piece together every aspect of that fateful morning?

Is it wrong to want the news and other media sources to not focus on it?  Is it wrong to expect the media to not turn this individual into an everyday household name?  Is it wrong to want this tragedy to stay a tragedy and not a political jumping off point?

For me it's about remembering those who lost their lives doing what they do each and everyday.  They led ordinary lives.  They were mothers, daughters, sisters and friends.  They were children barely old enough to even comprehend the fate they encountered.  It's about keeping the family members and friends left behind in my prayers as they learn how to cope with this change in their life.  The unexpected turn in the wrong direction.

As a nation we also must figure out how to deal with what happened in that small CN town.  Honor those lost, not praise the one at fault and protect ourselves from such evils that unfortunately do exist.

My first step is to shut the TV off.  Not watch every last rehashing.  Hug my husband a little tighter and move on, move forward but not forget...

I'm not a parent.  I don't live in Connecticut.  I have no association with Newtown.  I didn't lose a family member.  But someho...

One of the hardest things I have had to deal with in regards to moving from Kansas to Georgia is leaving my friends, my family and the known, again.  Georgia is great.  Being with my husband and dogs in our own little house is great.  But not having friends to call up last minute and go get drinks with or my parents around to help with the dogs if Rob and I want to take a day trip.. among so many other reasons... is hard.

When I moved from Kansas to Maryland to join Rob.. I was fortunate enough to kind of walk into a great group of friends.  We had our differences.  Many of us didn't have children.  Almost everyone was under the age of 30.  Rob had already been in Maryland for over a year, so he knew many of the husbands already which made it that much easier for the wives to naturally get along.  I had that support needed.  In fact I was at a company FRG meeting when I found out one of my grandpa's had passed away.  If you've never seen a group of Army wives come together when someone has an emergency, then you haven't been around the military long enough.

So maybe I had my expectations set really high about moving here.  I thought, it can't be THAT different.  Oh yes Amanda, it can.  I've kind of touched on this before.. but Fort Gordon is a rather large base (bigger than Meade at least) that consists of a lot of AIT students and a lot of higher enlisted/officers.  Which poses a problem because you can't all intermingle.  So I can be friends with the AIT students wife, but our husbands can never hang out.  I can be friends with the officers wife, but our husbands can never hang out.  Makes it kind of hard to do normal married couple with friends things.

The other issue that I've noticed in regards to this is age.  I'm 22.  Rob is 22.  He enlisted straight out of high school and has 4 years under his belt.  At one point he was one of the youngest if not the youngest person at his rank in the entire Army.  So when you look at other 22 year olds... they are either fresh into the military as a student or at a lower rank.  Or they have kids.  Not that I hold anything against those women for starting a family young... it's just not me, yet.

Where do I fit in then?  A married 22 year old with 2 dogs, no kids and a husband on the fast track to making his military career above standard.  I want to build that support I have in Kansas.  The support I had in Maryland.  But I'm just not finding it here at Ft. Gordon yet and we've been here since July.  I've tried clubs on post and Facebook pages associated with post.  I have gone to lunch with a few different girls.  Out of all of my effort I have one person from post that I can go to lunch with and talk to.  But she won't be here forever as her husband is done with AIT soon.  Then what am I to do?

I'm just at a loss.  I made friends easily in high school.  Then made friends easily at the community college I went to.  When I left Kansas I made friends easily at Ft. Meade.  Heck I even made friends when I lived in Kansas while Rob was deployed... but now here I am six months into this adventure at Fort Gordon and I am not making friends like I have in the past.

I guess it is just something you learn to deal with.  I can't obviously change the fact that I am young and my husband is a superstar (not that I would want to!)... hopefully shortly after the new year I will land a job to preoccupy my mind.. so I don't spend days like today thinking about all that I wish I had here in Georgia.

Regardless of who I can consider a friend though.. I am thankful to have my husband.  I can call him my best friend and mean it.  He knew that so far this twelfth day of the twelfth month of this twelfth year of this century (tongue twister much? Had to incorporate it!) was not going quite how I hoped and he swooped in and took me out to lunch.  I am blessed and I know it.

But being young and not having a huge Georgia support group is really weighing on me.


P.S. I'm sending a special shout out to the one cousin I have here in Augusta.  She's great and I am thankful she is here.  When our schedules work out the same way we can go shopping, get food and just hang out.  I know many military individuals don't get this luxury so I'm soaking it up while I can and trying not to think about the fact she won't be here forever.  (Wait, neither will I!)

"Live fast, die young and leave a good looking corpse."  -John Derek One of the hardest things I have had to deal with in re...

It dawned on me the other day that what I portray on my blog is not always every little aspect of who I am.  Not that I believe everything in my personal life should be portrayed on a very public blog.. there are just several parts of my personality that aren't shown on my blog.  Why?  Let's face it 95% of all bloggers are perfect.  Or pretty close at least.  Or pretend to be.  So when you aren't perfect.. you stick out like a sore thumb.

What do I mean by this?

Well...

I cuss, a lot.  Especially when I am drinking.  Which I also enjoy doing.. and I don't always drink wine either.. I like beer.  And rum.  My house is hardly every completely clean.  I try my hardest to keep the living room and kitchen clean because that is what people see.. not the master bedroom or bathroom (which I just cleaned this weekend after well. a bit.  It was not fun, at all.)  I love outdoorsy country things.. but lets face it. I was raised in a suburb.. and I don't always wear camo and cowboy boots.  I do however always listen to country music.  Always.  I have a crafts closet.  But I couldn't tell you the last time I actually crafted.  I'm still not always 100% sure about my major.  At this point though I am just powering through to be done with it.  I'll use it, just not absolutely positive how yet.  I love to think about working out.. but when I have the opportunity to do it, I don't because it requires me sweating.. and then showering.. and by the time I'm done with all of that two hours have gone by.  It literally is that lame of an excuse.  I'm horrible at being anywhere on time.  In order to make it on time I have to give myself close to 15 minutes extra time.  I'm sarcastic and a wise-ass.  Love it or hate it.  Before we got Piston, my parents didn't think I was responsible enough to have a pet.  Probably because every time I got a beta fish my mother had to take care of it.  I have tattoos and piercings.  I was born and raised a Catholic, and still identify as one.  But I question things every once in awhile, and I'm probably the worst Catholic ever as a result.  I'm scared to raise children away from my family in Kansas.  So far my life has not turned out how I figured it would, at all.  I didn't go to a 4 year university straight out of high school.  I didn't graduate college before getting married.  I didn't get a degree in teaching.  I don't live in Kansas anymore.  I didn't have a big wedding in a church with a party after.  But you know what, it's better than I expected.  I have horrible skin.  Not only am I a redhead that burns easily, my skin also breaks out a lot.  The only saving grace is my burns do turn to tans.  I love my handwriting.  I'd rather write in agenda, carry an address book and write a thank you then use my phone calendar, phone contact book and e-mail to thank someone.  I still can't quite see myself as a mother.  Someday.. like when I'm pregnant maybe... but not now at this moment.  I don't want to trade my car in because it's a stick shift and my next car will be an automatic.  I won't be unique anymore.  Everyone complements my hair color, but it's not always been peaches being a redhead.  Pretty much every guy I've ever met has called me a name associated with it.  And that is not an exaggeration.  I have road rage.  Like screaming at a car like they can hear me road rage.  I can't cook.  I don't have a desire to cook.  There are very few foods I like.  Cause I'm picky.  I'm ambidextrous.  Write, shoot a gun, fish and eat with my left hand.  Use scissors, vacuum and throw a ball with my right hand.

In a nutshell.. I am far from perfect..

Why is it that we try and portray ourselves as perfect when we aren't?

It dawned on me the other day that what I portray on my blog is not always every little aspect of who I am.  Not that I believe everything i...

So this evening I had an "I draw the line" moment.  For the first time in my online existence I contemplated giving up my beloved Twitter, Facebook and even my blog.  One could say I am fed up with the way women/military spouses/twitter-ers/facebook-ers/bloggers treat each other.

So this evening I had an "I draw the line" moment.  For the first time in my online existence I contemplated giving up my beloved ...

So, I have been feeling a bit emotional/stressed out/mental freakish lately.  I can't say that I can pin point it on one exact thing though.  I just feel overwhelmed, and I am not sure how to react/handle it.  At all.

It is not like I just had a baby.. or my husband just came home or is close to coming home from deployment.  It is not like I just started or quit a job.. it is not like I just got a new dog.. it is not like I lost someone really close to me, but yet I feel this huge emotional shift like something major just happened.

Maybe this is the downside to after R&R?

I mean lets face it.. I am Over (with a capital O) this deployment.  I am beyond ready to have my husband home, so I can quit being the third wheel with practically everyone.  So I can quit having to explain to Piston that the loud car pulling up is not his daddy, and that the beep of that person locking their car door does not mean his daddy is about to walk through the door.  So I can quit trying to figure out what the appropriate answer is when someone asks "how are you doing" and "how is your husband doing" (we aren't together.. so how good can either of us be?? I mean really..).. so I can quit getting frazzled when technology or appliances have a freak out moment.  So I can quit coming home to another mundane evening of watching TV alone on the couch (especially cause P doesn't like to cuddle until it is most inconvenient for me!) and so I can quit being the only one responsible for taking Piston outside... but most of all so that at times like this, at almost 2 in the morning, I can quit having a million thoughts run through my head (good, bad, otherwise) but rather relish in the fact that my husband is home.. --> over there, where he should be... I'm just ready for that.

Is that too much to ask?

Or maybe I am feeling this emotional shift because we finally got word on where the next step in our military life is going to take us.  There are a billion things to be done of course, and although it seems like FOREVER until Rob comes home, frankly it is really not too long.. and definitely not long enough to accomplish everything that needs done before this next step.  (Look for more detailed information early Summer.. sorry y'all going to have to keep it on the DL for just a bit longer.)

Or maybe it is because this web animation class at school is seriously trying to kill me.  First class in over 6 months at DeVry that I absolutely HATE.  It makes me really wish that I actually attended classes rather than just logging on three times a week... that's how bad it is.  I'm just ready for school to be over..

Or maybe certain family/friend situations at this current point in time are making me look in the mirror for gray hairs.  That is how much stress they give me and anxiety they cause me.  I have been told by my loving husband that I can't let them get to me that much.  If only it were that easy babe.. It is my natural instinct to take on other people's problems (maybe I missed my calling?) and offer solutions and advice.  If I spent HALF as much time worrying about all that as I do now, I'd be considerably less frazzled all the time.  Or at least I would assume.

Or maybe it is the three hampers of laundry and the dishes that just won't magically go away until I take care of them.  I haven't touched laundry since Rob left and now I've gotten myself into an unending hole I am sure.  Way to go Amanda.. I vow to NEVER let it get this messy again.. once I get it all taken care of again. Which will hopefully be soon because knowing that I have that much laundry and dishes waiting on me almost causes an ulcer.

At the end of the day, whatever the reason may be.. I have found myself contemplating crying more often than not lately.  Which is SO messed up.. I mean yeah Kansas basically skipped spring in freaking March of all times and it's hotter than it should be (except today..) which makes me mad, but it's not like it is rain and doom and gloom everyday.. so what gives universe?

But don't you worry about me.. as Kelly Clarkson has taught me.. "what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger.." and I have faith that the sun will shine in my head here soon enough.




P.S. I am absolutely NOT pregnant, kthanksbye.

Always,
Amanda

So, I have been feeling a bit emotional/stressed out/mental freakish lately.  I can't say that I can pin point it on one exact thing tho...

So OBVIOUSLY I am going to have my crazy, freak out, hate the world (practically), no good very bad days.. sometimes.  Or two or three days.

Thursday was awful.  That's all there is to it.  I woke up feeling like poo (for lack of a better word..) but still had to work.  I was managing up until I got home on my lunch break.. took the dog out.. cooked some lunch.. sat down to watch TV and possibly take a quick catnap to help me feel better.  AND THEN.  I discovered that my Directv was out.  Great.  So I tried to troubleshoot.. ended up on the phone with them most of my lunch break.  Only to find out that the hard-drive was "fried" on my DVR/receiver box.  And they would SHIP one to me.. really?!  Who does that?  Send a technician out and get it fixed ya bums.  Anyway this basically all led to a meltdown.  All during my lunch break mind youuu... If it ain't one thing it's always without a doubt another.  And when all you've got for entertainment is the dog, internet and tv.. then it's HUGE when one of the three is missing.  Ya know?

On a good note, I did meet up with one of my best friends for dinner and some shopping.. and it helped the evening end on a high note.  Thank goodness!  Oh, and I found the dress I am wearing to my birthday/Rob's birthday/Rob home for R&R party.  Saweeet.. check that sucker off the list.. :)

Friday (AKA yesterday..).. I went to the post office to mail some packages off.  I had just come from Walmart.. was packing all my stuff up AT the post office.  Like I always do.. when it dawned on me that I didn't have two of the addresses I needed with me.  Really?? Fantastic.. still spent $50 to send 3 packages out, get a book of stamps and buy a box.  Ouch.. and prices go up on Monday morning.. hello what about us frequent shoppers over here?  Discount please?!

Since we were without anything satellite related Friday evening I decided to Redbox some movies, eat some pasta and be lazy.. so off the dog and I go to pick up the two DVDs I reserved at the Walgreens five minutes away (highly suggest both Horrible Bosses ((I literally laughed out loud..)) and Ides of March) and a cherry limeade (hey.. EVERYONE was tweeting about Sonic for some reason.. and prompted my unusual craving).  I get back to the complex.. and some car I don't recognize is parked in my COVERED, RESERVED parking spot.  Oh heck no, Idaho!  Number one way to make my blood boil... make me put extra work in for something I shouldn't have to.  So I ran upstairs and jotted a friendly fake-friendly note that said "this parking spot is reserved, but NOT FOR YOU." and slid it beneath the windshield wiper of said unknown car.  Then I waited.. and waited.. and waited.  Finally when I was done with both of my movies and getting ready to take Piston out for his last potty of the evening I noticed that it was gone!  Yipeeeee!  But so not cool whichever neighbor it was that did not tell your guest to not park in the RESERVED spots.  You aren't my friend.

Today was a fun filled adventure with my family.  We were invited to the VA hospital about 3 or so hours away.. so it was a roadtrip/sleeptrip.  Anyway they were having a ceremony to honor all of the veterans that had passed away within the last six months.  For those of you that are new (ish) readers.. my Grandpa passed away in August (read about it hereeee.) and while it's still fresh for the most part, I've managed to move on as much as possible.  Except when I hear Taps (I feel it is that way for every mil spouse/girlfriend/friend/acquaintance/etc?)(which they played at the very end.. gets me everytime!!!) or think about the countless other things that are Grandpa-isms.  So 92% of the time I'm okay.. 8% of the time something catches me off guard that makes me want to give him just one more hug.  Anywayyy.. before my extremely emotional self starts crying (too late..), it was a GREAT way to honor him.  He was so very proud of his military service, and as in every situation it was amazing for it to be recognized.

By the time we got home.. we were all exhausted and slightly intoxicated from the margaritas at dinner.  And much to my surprise.. we were greeted with my AWESOME (use that term loosely) neighbor and his party.. what the heck man. I know it's Saturday.. but quiet hours start at 10 pm and some of us don't want to hear your base through the wall or the yelling/screaming/laughter coming from your apartment.  So at 11:30 I pulled the plug.  That's right, I was THAT person.. I made the phone call to the police.  Within 15 minutes it was quiet.  I don't think I'd be so mean  if it weren't for two things.. a.) my husband is deployed.  SO I am already high strung.. all it takes is a simple push and I am over the edge.. (which Directv got me to that point.. by having system maintenance when I wanted to set my new box up!!!) b.) this AWESOME neighbor has NEVER talked to me.. not even said hello.  So why would I cut him some slack when he wants to be obnoxious?? Oh right.. I wouldn't.  I'm not going to be nice if you aren't either.  But I do have a conscious.. so I hope it wasn't his birthday or something...

And the final straw on the top of the stack.. my little big bundle of fir/warmth is boarded for the night as I got home too late to pick him up.. I hate being here aloneeee... ahh.


Alright y'all ranting.. OVER.
Such good people for reading through.
Or did you?
:)

So OBVIOUSLY I am going to have my crazy, freak out, hate the world (practically), no good very bad days.. sometimes.  Or two or three days....